I really thought I would be. We tried, honestly, we did. Some medication, some surgery, a lot of tests and prayers, but it didn't work. Some people would say and have said to me that we gave up. Maybe we did. Maybe sometimes you ask God for what you want and He says "no". But just to put it out there...I really DID want to be a mom. There was a time when we were in the midst of the early disappointment of trying that I doubted if I wanted it "enough" and brought this on myself. But I hope that's really not the way things work.
It's very weird to be at this stage of my life and not be a mom. It's hard to know how to answer when people ask about whether or not we have kids. I'm not young enough anymore to say "maybe one day".That reality has been hitting hard lately. I think I thought I would be one of those people that would pop up pregnant out of the blue. You know, just when you least expect it, expect it. But I really do think the answer is "no".
Of course, adoption is a wonderful choice and alternative. One that we have explored from time to time. It has just not been our answer. Does that make us selfish or self centered as some in my life have suggested? I hope not. I have devoted my last 18 years to loving and teaching other people's children. I hope selfish and self centered is not the way that others see me, but all I can do is just keep living...with the answer of "no". Living happily, trying to live with joy instead of bitterness. Counting my many, many rich blessings and striving to do what is right and good.
Please know, I am happy for you and your babies. I DO enjoy celebrating your showers, seeing your nurseries, and going to birthday parties. Your sweet children's pictures as they grow make me smile! So, please don't tiptoe around me after you've read this. It was not an easy choice to write this(not that that many people are reading it!). Writing this shows you the hole in my heart. And I try to be strong and not let it show.
It can be lonely to be the only one in the room to not have kids...look around. There's not that many of us out here. While it's not a choice I made, it is the life I live. I am happy. I have great love with my sweet husband, family, and furry babies. I am trying to walk the path of trust and happiness. It's a choice we all make every day, no matter our circumstances.
Wow, I already feel lighter now that I've written this out. Thank you if you read this. I hope you know me a little better now and maybe I know myself a little better, too!
Happy Mother's day to all you incredible moms out there. Your daily sacrifices and selflessness is inspiring. Keep growing happy, confident children. It's what our world needs! :)
Jill~ I really appreciate your bravery and honesty posting this. I've often wondered about your story, but I've been through enough not to ask point blank or make a judgement. I wanted you to know that I read this and I acknowledge your struggle and your sadness about what probably won't ever be. I have such a giant place in my heart for infertility.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me upset and quite frankly, mad that people have said such insensitive and judgmental comments to you about it. You, of all people, are the least selfish, self centered people I know!!! If anything, I admire your acceptance of God's plan and willingness to be obedient and go along with it. I feel like I would not handle it so gracefully as you have.
Thanks so much for your comment, Chelsea. I appreciate your very kind and thoughtful words. I've not really said a lot of this out loud to many people and really debated writing about it here. Infertility is such an ugly word...hard to say and hard to accept. Reading other's experiences has helped me understand that I'm unfortunately not alone in this crazy journey.
Delete:)